While online dating is a wildly accepted norm when it comes to meeting people and finding love and relationships, there is still a lot of stigma attached and a fair amount of poor negative attitudes. When online dating, it’s important to keep your negative attitudes in check. If you don’t, it could hurt the outcome of your experience.
How did online dating create such bitter angry single people? For the sake of dramatic effect, when did all men become scumbags and all women become bitches?
I know this is a blunt blanket statement, but can you deny having thought this at one point or another while dating? I’m sure that at least once you’ve concluded that there is “no one good out there.” You decided that there is no one worthy of you.
I’m guessing you started to feel this when you began experiencing the slow burn of rejection and the enduring the pain staking time it takes to find the right person, the right partner. Online dating tests our patience, that’s for sure. And, the truth is, whether we like it or not, online dating is a time investment.
Have you ever thought that it might be your own attitude that is slowing you down? That it might be your attitude that’s preventing you from finding what you are looking for?
Even if you’re someone who has held true to a positive attitude and a belief that online dating is a great tool, I’m sure you’ve asked yourself, WTF. I get it. It’s understandable and it’s reasonable. It’s how far you let it go that you should keep an eye on.
For some people online dating works out within weeks, other a few years. The same scenarios occur in real life, too. And, situations like these have occurred throughout time and history. Online dating has its nuances, but it doesn’t (it can’t) transform human nature.
If you have trouble accepting the time investment or accepting that some people won’t fancy you as a romantic partner, you’ll likely begin to develop a bad attitude and if that’s an attitude you continue to possess, then dating will (likely) never work in your favor. You will end up going around in circles and spiral into some sort of dating depression. You don’t want that. It won’t help.
Is this who you want to be? Do you think that having a bad attitude will help you dating life, or hurt it? I think it will hurt it, and you may not realize that you’re hurting yourself.
There are many different facets of the “bad attitude” in dating. Some of you may have a bad attitude in one area, some of you in another. Some of you, it’s all around and you’ve given up on believing that online dating is worth your while. Maybe it’s not, but don’t let that reason be because of your negative bitter attitude.
Online dating does not exist within itself. It’s a platform created by people (humans) and used by people. YOU are online dating. How you think about it, feel about it, utilize it, is what creates online dating. It does not create itself! You do! All of you do. Let that sink in for a sec.
The online dating profile is where it all begins. The only way you’re going to meet someone online at all is if you create (some sort of) a profile. This is also where many people begin with the bad attitude. I won’t outline in detail all the ways a bad attitude exists within a profile, but it pops up in ways you might not expect. We develop an attitude/judgement toward the person who doesn’t write anything at all, the person with bad grammar, writing their whole life story, etc.
In my opinion, one of the worst things you can do in your dating profile is make demands. Statements like,
Don’t message me if..
You must be XYZ
The goal of your online dating profile is to get conversations started. The goal of these conversations is to get offline – go out on dates. If you portray a bad attitude right from the get-go in how you present yourself, first convos are probably going to be far and few between.
Don’t forget this, your profile is part of your personal brand.
I am going to exhibit an example by using a fictional character, Tommy.
Tommy has a fairly decent profile stating a few things about himself, like how he loves to ski and go hiking. He’s close with his family and has a group of friends. However, he doesn’t just stick to that. He decided to it’s important to mention, please no drug addicts.
Tommy and Lisa match 90% on match.com based on the criteria they offered about themselves. Tommy promptly reaches out to Lisa, excitedly awaiting her response.
Crickets. He doesn’t understand. She’s so perfect! He finds her attractive, they like doing the same things, etc.
Well, what he doesn’t know is that Lisa has a brother with a substance abuse disorder (SUD). She loves her brother dearly and supports him through this struggle. Lisa understands why a person would not want to be romantically involved with a person like her brother, but not because she feels he’s not worthy, but because he must focus elsewhere and figure out his life at this time. He’s not in a stable or emotional place to be dating.
So, what ends up happening? Lisa think Tommy is kind of a jerk for being judgmental about people who suffer from a substance abuse disorder, and Tommy thinks Lisa is kind of a jerk for not responding to him even though they’re obviously (seemingly) so compatible.
Thing is, neither of them is actually a jerk, and they might actually be a great fit for one another. But, all it takes is one simple bad attitude statement to blow possibility up in flames.
Tommy may have a history of being in a relationship with someone who used drugs, prompting his statement. That’s ok. But, his dating profile is not a place for his disdain.
Any kind of language in your profile that sounds like a demand is being judgmental. You are demonstrating yourself as being a person who judges those who use substances to get by or who are in between jobs, who a high maintenance, etc.
I’m not saying you should lower your standards, so to speak, and let go of what you are looking for in a partner. I’m saying your judgement about people and your needs in a relationship are two different things. One is your general view on other human beings and one is what you will tolerate in your life and relationship. They correlate yes, but you can have compassion for those with SUD and not want that type of challenge in your life.
To emphasize my point, when I ask folks what they are looking for in a partner, one of the top things people tell me they are hoping to find someone who is open-minded and non-judgmental.
We are all judgmental in our own way. It’s unnatural to have zero opinions and judgments about things, but there is a time and place for it, and even if you have harsh judgements there are still ways to be subtle and kind-hearted about those judgments.
Online dating profiles are supposed to be about who you are as a person, not about who you think others should be. Everyone has a right to live their life the way they want to, even if that means they choose drugs.
I’m hoping it’s clear that if Tommy hadn’t said anything about no drug addicts, a great conversation might have started between him and Lisa. The more they talked, the more they realized they had something in common, a struggle they can both relate to. Instead, they will never know. Instead, each of them is left feeling a little bitter.
Your online dating profile is where you online dating experience begins. Wouldn’t you rather know that you got your profile right? That you know that if all else fails, at least it wasn’t because your profile isn’t less than it could be.
For more, look at these posts about what not to write in your online dating profile.