Do you watch the Bachelor on ABC? I’m a big fan. I love it. It’s one of my most favorite guilty pleasures.
If you’ve never watched the show I’m sure you are familiar with the premise: One lucky guy or gal dates multiple people at one time, narrowing them down and hopefully finding “the one.” Marriage being the ultimate goal.
Then there’s Bachelor In Paradise, where all the rejects convene to see if any sparks fly. It’s a dating free for all.
Many of us base our worthiness on looks and wealth. The assumption being that all the opposite sex wants is someone good looking and/or rich.
I had a male client tell me once that the reason he couldn’t get dates was because he was too ugly.
I’ve had women clients tell me that men don’t even read their profiles, that all they do is look at the pictures.
I don’t believe that is true, but even if it is, the right person will read your profile.
If you do watch the bachelor shows you will notice that everybody is beautiful and everybody is rich (It’s all glitz, glam and fashion). My question is, if it is true that compatibility comes down to looks and supposed wealth, then why are these shows so entertaining with all the drama?
Because people come from different backgrounds, have different life experiences and different perspectives. We all vary in age, religion, culture, heritage and overall lifestyle. Some of us are messy, some of us are tidy. Some of us are homebodies and some of us want to travel the world. Some of us have big families, some of us have small families.
It’s all of these things and so much more that determines true compatibility.
Ask me how excited I am for The Golden Bachelor to begin this month. I’m biting my nails with anticipation. Twenty lovely ladies will rival for the heart of the humble, down-to-earth Gerry. He’s 71, widowed and opening his heart again.
I have no doubt in my mind that drama will ensue. I can’t wait to see how “mature” these women are.
Maturity is just another competition. After all, maturity is something that means different things to different people.
To me, all this proves is beauty is in the eye of the beholder and wealth is subjective. What is the foundation for all of it? Values.
Values are where people make true connections.
Consider the Maybes
Online dating platforms make it easy for us to scroll through profiles of many people at a time. It’s natural to start with some criteria so that we can make the requisite right or left swipe. How does your criteria balance out for you?
This is my advice: Consider the maybes.
In some cases, you will come across a profile that is a definite spark to your interest and then there are some that are definite, not no way, not no how. There will also be some who are somewhere in the middle. When you find yourself in the middle, give it a chance and see what happens. You might end up meeting someone great. Even if you don’t, you are meeting someone interesting – if you open up your curious mind.
Dating is fun if you let it be. Even on so-called bad dates.
I’ve been on lots of first dates, and I can honestly say that none of them were unbearable. At least not for an hour over coffee. Never once did I sneak out the bathroom window.
One time, I found myself on a date with with a repairman/contractor. Pretty early on I could tell I was not feeling the romance vibe (as well was he). However, during our conversation he encouraged me to install new flooring in my home all by myself. I don’t consider myself handy, and the thought of taking on a project like that was quite daunting. But, he told me about snap together vinyl flooring and that surely I could do it myself.
Guess what! I did! To this day, it’s one of the projects I am most proud of. And it all happened because I went on a date with a dude.
It happened because I’m a curious person and I enjoy conversations with people. I did not leave the date feeling discouraged. I did not think to myself (in a negative tone), this guy failed the dating interview. It just was what it was, a none-connection.
When you sign up for online dating you are no different than the next person out there. At the core, you are a single person looking for a romantic connection, just like everyone else.
A lot of you will judge other people for being single even though you yourself are also. It’s natural because we all feel a pull toward a right or wrong, good versus bad.
My way is okay but your way isn’t. The reason I’m single is ok, but your reason is not.
However, open your hearts up to more OKS. This doesn’t mean going against your values or disarming your boundaries. It means, opening yourself up to possibilities, considering people and seeing how they fit within the framework of your values.
Most of the time, the only way to truly find out is to go out on dates with people. Meet them for coffee, a drink, dinner, etc. Have a conversation.
If time and money (among other factors) are what limit your exploration then suggest a pre-date phone call or video chat. If someone poo poos your suggestion, well then, you got your answer. You value your time and you value how you spend your dollars. If you are met with resistance then you can decide how to proceed from there.
If you are secure with your values and your boundaries then they will guide you toward what lights you up.
How do I wrap this up? Dating is fun if you let it be. People are interesting.
I’ve written a few posts on who my clients are and who they are looking for (scroll to the bottom for links). I love what I do because I get to meet new people every day, without actually meeting them. Folks from all walks of life. All wonderful people, just like you, looking for love and connection.
Don’t sell yourself short, and recognize where you might be rigid with your search criteria. Think about your true reasons for not going out with someone. Because (initially) you don’t perceive them as good looking enough or wealthy enough? Are fears, judgements and insecurities stopping you?
If you open yourself up to possibilities, if you are more mindful about the reasons for your choices, you might find yourself on a better dating path. And, that path just might, lead you to your perfect person.