One of the comments I hear most from clients is about how online dating “didn’t exist back then,” They say, “dating is different now.” What they are talking about is online dating. Downloading an app, creating a profile and reaching out to people via text message.
It’s true, things are not exactly the same, but romancing has always been an evolving human bonding experience. Women aren’t being dragged away by their hair anymore, right?
If you think about the modern history of dating, you’ll realize that dating itself has not changed much. However, the tools have.
If you watch older shows like Friends, Seinfeld, Sex and The City or any show that has dating as a theme, you’ll notice that dating dynamics aren’t all that different.
Sex and the City first aired in 1998, but is still relevant today. Carrie and her friends navigate the same trials and tribulations of dating and ponder the same questions. They faced the same relationship ups and downs as we all do, and as we all ever did. The things we don’t like happened: ghosting, bread crumbing, mixed messages, etc.
(You can watch Sex and City with a subscription to MAX. Also coming to Netflix in April 2024!)
Dating and relationships, like everything else, is about perspective, subconscious conditioning, opinions, past/current experiences, lifestyle, values, goals, etc.
Yes, cultures evolve, but by and large, none of these things change. Human nature is human nature. Dating apps have nothing to do with that.
Dating Apps Are Not The Enemy
Online dating apps are tools. They are platforms you can enter as a method of meeting new people.
A couple decades ago the tools were phones, answering machines and letters in the mail.
Online dating is just a way to bring people together. The same way a party does, or a bar, or a meetup group.
A bar is a tool you use to meet someone. Dating apps are a tool you use to meet people.
Humans are the platform.
Online dating platforms are made up of real humans. Bumble doesn’t come pre-loaded with magically appearing single men and women. They are the same men and women you walk past in the grocery store or happen to meet while at a party or otherwise out and about.
Whether two people come face to face in person, or face to face via profile, conversations still have to start. One person has to say something to the other. We still have to be curious and ask questions.
No matter how you meet someone, relationships form via conversation, getting to know one another and sharing experiences together.
Stop Blaming The Tool
When online dating, people are searching for one similar fundamental thing: Companionship.
However, what companionship looks like to one person might look entirely different to another. That is why you go out on dates. You have to go out with people to find out how your personalities align, your goals, your hopes and dreams, all the things.
When things don’t work out the way we want them to, it tends to be easier to blame the tool.
It’s easy to blame online dating for the challenges with dating. It’s easy to say online dating doesn’t work.
It’s your choice how to use the tools you’re given. Tools are useless without the people using them.
Without my keyboard, without my tool, I would not be able to relay my messages through these written words. I can’t be upset if nothing appears on the page if I neglect to use the keyboard, or if I and just pound on the keys with no uniformity: adklhadkfjha lfh
Some folks are nervous. But, let’s take a deep dive into what is actually causing nervousness. Using the tool that makes the connections or the actual connections themselves. It can be scary meeting new people, especially in a romantic fashion.
If that’s you, that’s ok. Take some time to evaluate that before delving into online dating and setting yourself up for disappointment.
In Conclusion
When all is said and done, nothing is perfect. I understand that. Online dating as a tool is not without its challenges.
However, keep in mind which things are logistical challenges (nature of the beast) vs. the things you are in control of, like your attitude and your perspective.
For instance, if you live in a populated urban area, the selection pool can be overwhelming.
Also, in our day and age, there is a sense of urgency. Back in the day of Carrie Bradshaw, you left a message on an answering machine and an instant response was not expected. People could call you back one, two or even three days later and it was normal. Throw out the rule book because no one is asking their mom to take a message, pretending not to be home.
These days you can all stop pretending like you didn’t get the message. We all know we get our messages, it’s a matter of how closely we pay attention to them.
Fortunately, these examples are challenges, not barriers.
Many of my clients say they are looking for someone who faces challenges head on.
Let online dating be your first challenge shared.
Decide what your dating goals are. Then you can decide how to use your tools. Whether that is to go to more parties, join meetup groups or other kinds of organizations, or using dating apps.
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If you are someone thinking about trying online dating or giving it another go with a different approach, check out the Packages and Pricing Page and start dating with a great online dating profile.
Order my book from Amazon: How To Write A Great Online Dating Profile. Within, you will find my best tips and strategies, including dos and don’ts, before and after examples, and a template to follow. There is also advice on which photos to choose and how to craft email messages. You will also find full written samples and a questionnaire to use for idea generation.
