How Do You Decide What Is And What Is Not A Red Flag?
When online dating we often have criteria in mind when approaching who we are interested in. The criteria we use to decide whether or not to swipe left or right. Or ultimately, who to go out on a date with and who not to go out on a date with.
In online dating, criteria are more well-known as red flags and green flags.
Your criteria is created from your decided type, your experiences, and your standards and values. This is all good. This means you know yourself and you know what you like and what you don’t like. You know what you want to attract and what you don’t want to attract.
However, where do you draw the line and give people a chance? At one point does your criteria trap you in a bubble?
One thing I like to encourage people to do is date the “maybes.” When scrolling through matches there are potential dates who are definite nos and definite yeses. But, what at the maybes? What about the people who have you curious, but are tough to identify as a Yes Or No.
Likely, you have sub-criteria when you decidedly deem a red flag, putting folks in your NO box.
Below are a few red flags that aren’t really red flags. At least not on the surface.
Divorced Or Never Been Married
Having been divorced or never married are loose reasons not to consider someone for a date.
If either one of these things was an automatic red flag for my husband and I, then we would have been doomed from the get-go. We never would have met and we never would have the life we have together now.
When we met, I had never been married, and my husband had been divorced……. several times.
If we had judged each other and made assumptions we would have denied ourselves the happiness we now have with each other. We would have missed out on all the things we’ve built together: A life we both love.
Were we cautious given what we knew. Maybe. But we gave our judgments a chance to play out, and we gave each other the benefit of the doubt.
It’s true, you might end up going out with somebody who is not yet through the turmoil a person goes through when getting divorced. Some people do start dating before they are emotionally ready. However, you cannot guess this as fact before taking the time to meet someone and see what they are all about.
Also, never been married does not mean lives as a hermit and has no other relationships. You will find that most people have a wide spectrum of friends (and family) who they have healthy relationships with.
Good the bad and the ugly is something that you give yourself a chance to learn. Instead of making something decidedly so before having all the information.
Give people a chance to tell their story. And give yourself a chance to tell yours.
Share The Same Hobbies
When people write their online dating profiles, they tend to focus on hobbies and interests. However, what really connects people are values. Therefore, wouldn’t it be better to choose who to date based on values rather than hobbies?
Two people can usually find something (or a few things) to do together.
I wrote a profile recently for someone who enjoys intense active sports: Skiing, mountain biking, and ice climbing, to name a few. He told me he was looking for somebody who complements his tireless energy, not necessarily someone who matched it.
All he was hoping for was a little overlap. In his case he specified hiking – someone willing to hit the woodsy trails with. He didn’t need to meet somebody who shared all his hobbies. He was happy going for a weekend hike with his special someone then going ice climbing the next day while she stayed home to knit him a scarf.
He wanted to meet someone who lived an active healthy lifestyle; a person who values health and keeping their body busy. The specifics didn’t need to be matched.
Also remember, meeting a person who doesn’t share the same interests can give you a chance to learn and explore new things, and likely meeting someone who wants to learn from you as well.
Things That Are Red Flags
What are red flags? Things that give you an uncomfortable feeling. You are talking to/dating someone who is inconsistent, or cracks inappropriate jokes, or somehow displays disrespectful behavior toward you or others. Anything that gives you an icky feeling or something that lets you know your date doesn’t have the same/similar goals in mind. Becoming mindful is your gateway to figuring that out, leading you in the right direction and steering you toward your positive outcome.
In some cases, a hard no is necessary. If you are getting bad vibes from a situations, it might be time to evaluate.
To learn more, I found a couple links for you.
Being Mindful
What does it mean to be mindful? It means paying attention and becoming aware. Learning to pay attention to your thoughts and the sensations in your body.
When you become mindful you become more confident. You become more confident because you trust your judgment which in turn helps you make the decisions. You will know when it’s time to say no to a situation and when not to.
One of the ways you can become more mindful is to write and journal. Writing has a special way of revealing clarity. I have a dating journal that can help you.
My journal is designed to help you think and feel through your dates. Learn More (Amazon).
In Conclusion
Only you know what is best for you. Only you know what gives you the good vibes and the bad vibes. Only you know when it’s ok to go out on a limb and give a maybe a chance.
Have Fun And Happy Dating!
